Panicking...

So the very few people that read this, knows I recently went to apply for a job where my sisters works as a cashier. That was a pretty awkward experience, I bit all my nails & even tripped UP the stairs in front of everyone to laugh. But that being said, afterwards they said they would call wednesday...& that was driving me crazy. The thought of having to talk on the phone with some stranger made me hyperventilate. But they didn't call, so I thought maybe I wont get the job...which i was happy & sad about (because I need money for my disney trip) But anyway they called today & i start training on monday. Thankfully my sister will train me monday, but the second day some random stranger will be training me & i have never been so nervous. Like its stupid I get it, but i cant help it. I'm socially awkward in so many ways, & the thought of having this person (who is a boy & whos cute) watching me & talking to me makes me nervous. Like ugh....How am I supposed to get through this day. & to top it all off my sister wont be there which makes everything worse. I'm just scared & its something that has been on my mind all day...

Hopefully it wont be that bad (even though I know it will )

Xoxo That girl Dee....

What is wrong with me?

Because seriously I'd like to know...

This might be my crazy teen female hormones, but I feel like nothing ever goes right for me. Maybe thats a tad dramatic, but seriously. All I've ever wanted was to have the amazing teen movie high school experience...but i knew that it was impossible because thats not who i am. But I want a boy to think i'm pretty.  I want to be courageous enough to actually tell a boy i like them...or even talk to them. But no...I cant because i'm incredibly shy. But why is being shy & awkward holding me back? Because I have a friend who's exactly like me, but boys always like her & want to talk to her. I'm just starting to feel more and more bad about myself. Why cant I be interesting & outgoing? why cant i be beautiful & different? What makes me so unlikable. Its like i'll never be the person that I want too...I'll never get the things I've always dreamed about. I just want to be happy & I want to make the best of my senior year, but how can i do that when the thought of socializing gives me a panic attack? So many people tell me to put myself out there to face my fears but I cant...it scares me. If a slightly attractive person sits next to me, I tense up thinking that their silently judging me. I put on this facade & I act like I don't care what people think, i don't care that i have a few close friends, like i'm to cool to care about anything but thats not the truth. Because in my mind I'm hoping someone will see right through it all & see me for what I really am...An awkward, insecure, shy, antisocial mess of a human being.

Maybe things will change, but I doubt it...

Xoxo that girl Dee...

Driving...

SUCKS. I think its just me that feels this way...because i'm insane. As a kid the thought of driving was perfect, it was like once you had a car & a license you were free. But now that i'm there i dont feel that way at all. I'm not a bad driver. i passed the test, i got my license, & i have a car. But I still cant drive somewhere without having an anxiety attack. All my friends & the people I know who got there license didnt feel this way at all. They just started driving & going as soon as they could & i kind of feel bad. I know its worse for me because i have ADHD. i know without my medicine driving is extremely hard for me, like i dont take it seriously & i'm a little all over the place (not that it happens often, just that my medicine starts to wear off). But when I do take it & i'm going somewhere that i havent been before i get extremely nervous & tense, like i think i'm doing everything wrong. I just always feel like i'm going to do something wrong, no matter what. Thats why i dont like to keep driving, i'm like okay i drove for 20 minutes i did fine lets not drive any longer & take a chance. Thats not a normal way to think, but of course i'm not normal...UGHHH & again i hate comparing myself to so many other people who love to drive. Like just the thought of driving to school tomorrow makes me panicky, & i'm even going with my friend! sometimes I wish i could just be normal, & get over this fear...but of course i cant, cause I suck.

So if you guys are like me, or have been when you first started driving then let me know cause i could useee it.

xoxo that girl Dee...

Incredibly frustrated.

I love to write, not only on my new found blog but on wattpad. It's honestly an amazing site & I could never imagine leaving it. But the more people bother me about money the more I wish I could get paid for doing what i love, writing. I spend so many hours dedicated to a chapter that I feel like I should get paid for it. I have a lot of fans that continue to read my stories so clearly i'm not terrible. Why can't I get paid for that? I'd take minimum wage for every chapter I write...but nope thats impossible. Why I have no idea but someone should really make that happen. Being paid to write on wattpad would make my life a lot easier. UGHHH. I'm only 17 its not like i'm planning to get my book published I just want to get money, because I'm desperate. Hopefully an owner of Wattpad will stumble across this post & take my ideas into consideration...wishful thinking.

xoxo That Girl Dee.

Money, money, money...

Recently at the ripe old age of 17 I've started to realize how important money is & how it controls everything. You must think wow how stupid can I be? & you're right. But I always knew you needed money for everything & all that, but I guess you can say I've learned the value of a dollar. Ever since I could remember my mom told my siblings & I that she doesn't care about us getting jobs as long as we're working hard in school & getting good grades...& I've been doing that. Going to a private school that has a reputation for veiny hard takes a toll on a person. I've always studied & got good grades & I couldn't imagine having a time for a job. All my friends who do have jobs barely have time to study & were borderline failing & I couldn't imagine that being me. My mom would always give me money here & there whenever I needed it, I usually saved my Christmas money & my birthday money & would use that if I needed anything. But I don't really buy things because I wear a uniform to school, I still fit into my really old jeans so I'm good. But this summer was different. I actually needed contacts, & I wanted to get my hair done & all this stuff but my mom has been going through money troubles lately. We're not poor & we're not rich, we're like middle class. But my moms a single mother with 4 kids & she's retired, & she's been having a lot of trouble with my dad with the child support so things have been a little difficult. Especially with one kid in college & one in private school things aren't easy. So I'm starting to realize that I want, want, want...but I have nothing to give. My family also planned a trip to Orlando Florida, to go to Disney & Universal & all these places & I could tell my moms a little stressed about all the money,& I feel Terrible. I've started to see that I can't keep on depending on my sister, my mom or my grandma for money anymore, I'm 17 & it's time to grow up...so I've decided to get a job. You guys must think "wow she's lazy, 17 & no job?" We'll that's not the case. I'm going to talk about this more in a future post but I'm incredibly awkward & social situations give me anxiety.& that's what a  job is, interacting with people while doing a service for mula. Well any job a 17 year old girl with no experience can get. So that's what I've been stressing about for the past few weeks. 

So what's the lesson here kids? Money is the key to everything... 

Xoxo that girl Dee.