Panicking...

So the very few people that read this, knows I recently went to apply for a job where my sisters works as a cashier. That was a pretty awkward experience, I bit all my nails & even tripped UP the stairs in front of everyone to laugh. But that being said, afterwards they said they would call wednesday...& that was driving me crazy. The thought of having to talk on the phone with some stranger made me hyperventilate. But they didn't call, so I thought maybe I wont get the job...which i was happy & sad about (because I need money for my disney trip) But anyway they called today & i start training on monday. Thankfully my sister will train me monday, but the second day some random stranger will be training me & i have never been so nervous. Like its stupid I get it, but i cant help it. I'm socially awkward in so many ways, & the thought of having this person (who is a boy & whos cute) watching me & talking to me makes me nervous. Like ugh....How am I supposed to get through this day. & to top it all off my sister wont be there which makes everything worse. I'm just scared & its something that has been on my mind all day...

Hopefully it wont be that bad (even though I know it will )

Xoxo That girl Dee....

What is wrong with me?

Because seriously I'd like to know...

This might be my crazy teen female hormones, but I feel like nothing ever goes right for me. Maybe thats a tad dramatic, but seriously. All I've ever wanted was to have the amazing teen movie high school experience...but i knew that it was impossible because thats not who i am. But I want a boy to think i'm pretty.  I want to be courageous enough to actually tell a boy i like them...or even talk to them. But no...I cant because i'm incredibly shy. But why is being shy & awkward holding me back? Because I have a friend who's exactly like me, but boys always like her & want to talk to her. I'm just starting to feel more and more bad about myself. Why cant I be interesting & outgoing? why cant i be beautiful & different? What makes me so unlikable. Its like i'll never be the person that I want too...I'll never get the things I've always dreamed about. I just want to be happy & I want to make the best of my senior year, but how can i do that when the thought of socializing gives me a panic attack? So many people tell me to put myself out there to face my fears but I cant...it scares me. If a slightly attractive person sits next to me, I tense up thinking that their silently judging me. I put on this facade & I act like I don't care what people think, i don't care that i have a few close friends, like i'm to cool to care about anything but thats not the truth. Because in my mind I'm hoping someone will see right through it all & see me for what I really am...An awkward, insecure, shy, antisocial mess of a human being.

Maybe things will change, but I doubt it...

Xoxo that girl Dee...

Driving...

SUCKS. I think its just me that feels this way...because i'm insane. As a kid the thought of driving was perfect, it was like once you had a car & a license you were free. But now that i'm there i dont feel that way at all. I'm not a bad driver. i passed the test, i got my license, & i have a car. But I still cant drive somewhere without having an anxiety attack. All my friends & the people I know who got there license didnt feel this way at all. They just started driving & going as soon as they could & i kind of feel bad. I know its worse for me because i have ADHD. i know without my medicine driving is extremely hard for me, like i dont take it seriously & i'm a little all over the place (not that it happens often, just that my medicine starts to wear off). But when I do take it & i'm going somewhere that i havent been before i get extremely nervous & tense, like i think i'm doing everything wrong. I just always feel like i'm going to do something wrong, no matter what. Thats why i dont like to keep driving, i'm like okay i drove for 20 minutes i did fine lets not drive any longer & take a chance. Thats not a normal way to think, but of course i'm not normal...UGHHH & again i hate comparing myself to so many other people who love to drive. Like just the thought of driving to school tomorrow makes me panicky, & i'm even going with my friend! sometimes I wish i could just be normal, & get over this fear...but of course i cant, cause I suck.

So if you guys are like me, or have been when you first started driving then let me know cause i could useee it.

xoxo that girl Dee...

Incredibly frustrated.

I love to write, not only on my new found blog but on wattpad. It's honestly an amazing site & I could never imagine leaving it. But the more people bother me about money the more I wish I could get paid for doing what i love, writing. I spend so many hours dedicated to a chapter that I feel like I should get paid for it. I have a lot of fans that continue to read my stories so clearly i'm not terrible. Why can't I get paid for that? I'd take minimum wage for every chapter I write...but nope thats impossible. Why I have no idea but someone should really make that happen. Being paid to write on wattpad would make my life a lot easier. UGHHH. I'm only 17 its not like i'm planning to get my book published I just want to get money, because I'm desperate. Hopefully an owner of Wattpad will stumble across this post & take my ideas into consideration...wishful thinking.

xoxo That Girl Dee.

So much to do & not enough time...

Many teens like myself are huge procrastinators, & if you're not then you deserve an award. But I don't know if its the ADHD but compared to many of my friends I take procrastination to the next level. I put off all the things I have to do till the last minute, & then comes the anxiety. Just thinking about all of the things I have to do before school & comparing that to the 3 days I have left (omg just realized it was 3 days) gives me a major case of anxiety. There's so many things to do & not enough time & it sucks. I'm not even the type of person who can sit down take a breath make a list & organize myself, a trait I definitely know has to so with my ADHD. I feel like when I actually make a list of everything & try to figure out a schedule my head will explode cause I'll realize that it's impossible. & I know it's no ones fault but my own which really doesn't help. That just makes me feel worse, like if I was just smart enough to try to do everything a little at a time a few weeks ago i wouldn't be in this mess. I just feel like times moving to fast & I can barely grasp onto a moment. It's just one thing after another. It feels like the more I tho k about it the more things it seems like I have to do & it scares me. Like this is my senior year, it's supposed to be the best one yet & I already ruined it...UGH. This whole summer I couldn't think about going back to school or starting to prepare to go back that I made a big mess of things. To top it all off I got my license in June but driving still gets me nervous & I haven't really drove in a while & now on Wednesday I have to drive to school alone like how am I going to be able to do  that. 

K after I wrote this i save it & I took some time to figure things out. I wrote everything out & I talked to my mom I planned out a schedule & she helped me find a way to get everything done before school & my head didn't explode. So I guess if any of you are stressing like I was take a deep breath & organize yourself it's the best way to handle everything :) 

Xoxo that girl Dee. 

Money, money, money...

Recently at the ripe old age of 17 I've started to realize how important money is & how it controls everything. You must think wow how stupid can I be? & you're right. But I always knew you needed money for everything & all that, but I guess you can say I've learned the value of a dollar. Ever since I could remember my mom told my siblings & I that she doesn't care about us getting jobs as long as we're working hard in school & getting good grades...& I've been doing that. Going to a private school that has a reputation for veiny hard takes a toll on a person. I've always studied & got good grades & I couldn't imagine having a time for a job. All my friends who do have jobs barely have time to study & were borderline failing & I couldn't imagine that being me. My mom would always give me money here & there whenever I needed it, I usually saved my Christmas money & my birthday money & would use that if I needed anything. But I don't really buy things because I wear a uniform to school, I still fit into my really old jeans so I'm good. But this summer was different. I actually needed contacts, & I wanted to get my hair done & all this stuff but my mom has been going through money troubles lately. We're not poor & we're not rich, we're like middle class. But my moms a single mother with 4 kids & she's retired, & she's been having a lot of trouble with my dad with the child support so things have been a little difficult. Especially with one kid in college & one in private school things aren't easy. So I'm starting to realize that I want, want, want...but I have nothing to give. My family also planned a trip to Orlando Florida, to go to Disney & Universal & all these places & I could tell my moms a little stressed about all the money,& I feel Terrible. I've started to see that I can't keep on depending on my sister, my mom or my grandma for money anymore, I'm 17 & it's time to grow up...so I've decided to get a job. You guys must think "wow she's lazy, 17 & no job?" We'll that's not the case. I'm going to talk about this more in a future post but I'm incredibly awkward & social situations give me anxiety.& that's what a  job is, interacting with people while doing a service for mula. Well any job a 17 year old girl with no experience can get. So that's what I've been stressing about for the past few weeks. 

So what's the lesson here kids? Money is the key to everything... 

Xoxo that girl Dee. 

Daily Advice #1: Take Chances

Don't be afraid to take risks, do the things you could never imagine yourself doing. Talk to a boy first, join a club, try out for a sport. Put yourself out there, because you'll never know what you're missing out on. :)

xoxo That Girl Dee. :)

Expectations...

As teenagers many adults hold high expectations with school & life & it could be incredibly stressful. I know i'm the type of person that puts a lot of pressure on myself & has high expectations for my grades & stuff like that. On one hand they could be good, but on the other they could be incredibly stressful. At this time in my life I'll soon be taking the SAT & applying to colleges & I know my family has very high expectations for all of that, & they have a good reason too. Because i work hard, i have an SAT tutor, i study a lot...but still in the back of my mind i cant help but think that i'm going to let them all down. Its apart of human nature to feel that way, once in a while everyone does. But as such a critical time its scary. I also know that many people feel high expectations are a way to motivate them to their goal, & if you can think of it that way thats amazing. But i'm incredibly self-consicous about everything, even when I study for a test I think i failed. Just with so many things happening at once, dealing with the SAT, and college, I want to be able to enjoy my senior year without having a nervous breakdown... But the summers not over yet, so wish me luck :)

xoxo That Girl Dee.

For all you Hot Heads out there...

Having ADHD & just being a regular hot head it doesn't take much to get me angry. Probably over stupid things & nonsense. When i was younger it was a lot harder to control, a small fight with my mom or my siblings & i'd be screaming on the top of my lungs trying to make a point or something. But as I got older things started to change. I grew up & matured. But still there are times when I cant help but scream into my pillow trying to release my frustrations. But I've notice theres better ways to keep calm & let your emotions out, not just anger but a lot of others too. And as stupid as you think these ideas are you should try them cause they could help.

• Write in a journal, or a blog;)- express all your feelings out on to paper instead of keeping them bottled up. You could even try writing a letter to the person that you angery at or upset with & you dont even have to give it to them or send them. 
• Also on the topic of writing, Wattpad is a great site to let your imagination run wild. Creating stories that you've thought of & created could help with calming you down. 
• Listen to music- put in some headphones & blast the music. Its a way to just get lost in your favorite songs & let go of all the anger & hurt that you feel. 
• Read a book- my favorite escape from reality & all the problems I have. 
• Talk to someone- vent out all your frustrations & feelings. 
• Take a shower- as odd as it sounds it cold be a time where you just figure out all your thoughts & rationalize what you're feeling without anyone disturbing you. 

But thats all I have for right now, maybe i'll take my own advice. I hope you do too :) 

xoxo That Girl Dee. 

Conflicted...

As teenagers starting around the age of 16 you're expected to have in mind a career that you want to do for the rest of your life. Which is pretty stressful. Being the very indecisive person I am just thinking about that decision gets me nervous. Even though ever since i could remember I planned to be a Pediatrician. Constantly I have these doubts because I know i'm incredibly interested in journalism & writing. Its something I love to do...& it scares me to think that i'll want to change my mind when its too late. My family always pushed me towards the idea of being a doctor, & they arent really aware about my love for writing. So as I think about it now, almost a senior in high school I start to worry...but then I remember nothings set in stone, & eventually I'll find the right career for me :)

xoxo That girl Dee. :)

The SAT...

I'm 17 & going into my senior year of high school, & for the past 3 years all I've heard about was the SAT. SAT stands for Scholastic Assessment Test. A test that will have an impact on the rest of our future. That grade decides the rest of my life...no pressure though. Normally i'm very hard on myself in school, always stressed out & under pressure...but I know when it comes to this test i'm not the only who feels this way. I've already taken it twice & i personally didn't like my score, the next time I take it will be the last time & thats nerve-wrecking. The whole idea of this stupid test sucks...& as much as I hate it I continue to stress myself out over the idea. If I get a good grade, I get into a good college, if I get into a good college, I can get a good job, if I get a good job then I can make enough money & be successful...a never ending cycle. But to be honest if you go & ask your parents or your aunts & uncles what they got on this stupid test they probably wont remember at all. The whole things idiotic. The whole timing thing gets to me too. I hate sitting there rushing through a section giving myself anxiety, panicking, and waiting for the teacher to tell me to stop...UGHHH. But if you're as stress out as I am over this stupid test then I think i could help you...(hopefully i'll be able to take my own advice.) 

A very important thing when it comes to this test is relax...don't let it get to you.

If you want to work on your vocabulary but you hate to sit there & try to memorize words, then check this link out --> http://www.sparknotes.com/satfiction/
Thats a list of books that includes SAT words, & they're actually interesting so give it a try.

GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND, USE IT- take a practice test, grade yourself & the sections that you didnt do to well on GOOGLE. There a lot of resources online to help you out.

If you havent really given yourself much time to practice, set an alarm on your phone that goes off everyday & remind yourself to study.

It's 2013 guys download an app- search SAT in the appstore of whatever phone you have & i bet theres a lot of apps that could help.

Even though the tests start in october, it's something that I've been thinking about so here you go : )

xoxo That girl Dee :)

Welcome!:)

Hello to the people that will eventually read my blog. Since i’m going to try to stay an anonymous as I can, you can call me Dee. I’m an 17 year old girl living in the big city…& it’s pretty hard. And to top it all off, I have ADHD…Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, (which makes PMSing 10x as worse) but will talk more about that later. I’m creating this blog to hopefully get money, but thats a pipe dream. But i’m also creating it to see if it’ll help me deal with everyday life as a girl who doesn’t really fit it. I’m a senior in a high school where barely anyone knows who I am or what my name is, and that sucks. Currently i’m dealing with SATs, thinking about college, and overall getting stressed out before my senior year starts. I love to read, write, draw, and listen to music, and how could I forget watching T.V. All those things will make for an interesting blog dont ya think? But i also hope to write about those things as well, recommend good movies, books, and songs. I’ll even write about pop culture, because no one who knows me cares about how Miley Cyrus humped a foam finger last night at the VMAs. I’ve tried to write blogs before, when i was a lot younger but i’d never continue them cause i knew no one would read them. But i’m hoping things will be different, that i’ll continue even if no one reads this. But we’ll see. I’ll talk about dealing with a crazy fantastic mother, 2 older sisters, a younger brother, & an annoying stepdad. I’ll talk about how much I hate my life one day, and how amazing it is the next…you know normal girl things. So I guess thats it….wish me the best   

xoxo That girl Dee