Panicking...

So the very few people that read this, knows I recently went to apply for a job where my sisters works as a cashier. That was a pretty awkward experience, I bit all my nails & even tripped UP the stairs in front of everyone to laugh. But that being said, afterwards they said they would call wednesday...& that was driving me crazy. The thought of having to talk on the phone with some stranger made me hyperventilate. But they didn't call, so I thought maybe I wont get the job...which i was happy & sad about (because I need money for my disney trip) But anyway they called today & i start training on monday. Thankfully my sister will train me monday, but the second day some random stranger will be training me & i have never been so nervous. Like its stupid I get it, but i cant help it. I'm socially awkward in so many ways, & the thought of having this person (who is a boy & whos cute) watching me & talking to me makes me nervous. Like ugh....How am I supposed to get through this day. & to top it all off my sister wont be there which makes everything worse. I'm just scared & its something that has been on my mind all day...

Hopefully it wont be that bad (even though I know it will )

Xoxo That girl Dee....

What is wrong with me?

Because seriously I'd like to know...

This might be my crazy teen female hormones, but I feel like nothing ever goes right for me. Maybe thats a tad dramatic, but seriously. All I've ever wanted was to have the amazing teen movie high school experience...but i knew that it was impossible because thats not who i am. But I want a boy to think i'm pretty.  I want to be courageous enough to actually tell a boy i like them...or even talk to them. But no...I cant because i'm incredibly shy. But why is being shy & awkward holding me back? Because I have a friend who's exactly like me, but boys always like her & want to talk to her. I'm just starting to feel more and more bad about myself. Why cant I be interesting & outgoing? why cant i be beautiful & different? What makes me so unlikable. Its like i'll never be the person that I want too...I'll never get the things I've always dreamed about. I just want to be happy & I want to make the best of my senior year, but how can i do that when the thought of socializing gives me a panic attack? So many people tell me to put myself out there to face my fears but I cant...it scares me. If a slightly attractive person sits next to me, I tense up thinking that their silently judging me. I put on this facade & I act like I don't care what people think, i don't care that i have a few close friends, like i'm to cool to care about anything but thats not the truth. Because in my mind I'm hoping someone will see right through it all & see me for what I really am...An awkward, insecure, shy, antisocial mess of a human being.

Maybe things will change, but I doubt it...

Xoxo that girl Dee...

So much to do & not enough time...

Many teens like myself are huge procrastinators, & if you're not then you deserve an award. But I don't know if its the ADHD but compared to many of my friends I take procrastination to the next level. I put off all the things I have to do till the last minute, & then comes the anxiety. Just thinking about all of the things I have to do before school & comparing that to the 3 days I have left (omg just realized it was 3 days) gives me a major case of anxiety. There's so many things to do & not enough time & it sucks. I'm not even the type of person who can sit down take a breath make a list & organize myself, a trait I definitely know has to so with my ADHD. I feel like when I actually make a list of everything & try to figure out a schedule my head will explode cause I'll realize that it's impossible. & I know it's no ones fault but my own which really doesn't help. That just makes me feel worse, like if I was just smart enough to try to do everything a little at a time a few weeks ago i wouldn't be in this mess. I just feel like times moving to fast & I can barely grasp onto a moment. It's just one thing after another. It feels like the more I tho k about it the more things it seems like I have to do & it scares me. Like this is my senior year, it's supposed to be the best one yet & I already ruined it...UGH. This whole summer I couldn't think about going back to school or starting to prepare to go back that I made a big mess of things. To top it all off I got my license in June but driving still gets me nervous & I haven't really drove in a while & now on Wednesday I have to drive to school alone like how am I going to be able to do  that. 

K after I wrote this i save it & I took some time to figure things out. I wrote everything out & I talked to my mom I planned out a schedule & she helped me find a way to get everything done before school & my head didn't explode. So I guess if any of you are stressing like I was take a deep breath & organize yourself it's the best way to handle everything :) 

Xoxo that girl Dee. 

Venting/Rant #2 I just want someone to care...

If I'm crying & upset & you supposedly care about me I expect you to come & comfort me. I dont care if you already did it, & i'm crying for the same stupid thing...I just wants to be comforted & listened to. Something happened with my mother where she made me feel really abd & all I wanted her to do was hod me & tell me that she was sorry but of course that will never happen. My mother will never admit shes wrong no matter what, & i hate that. All I want was her to hold me & of course that will never happen because i'm not her favorite kid. I'm the kid thats bad and loud, & has a problem with everything, & i'll always be that kid but that doesnt mean my problems dont matter. It doesnt mean when i'm upset over something she did, that she could go to sleep so easily why I cry myself to sleep. Its not fair. especially being the type of person i am i dont let things go, i dont know why but i cant & its killing me that shes a sleep right now. To top it all off my sister held me & comforted me once but i guess that was a one time thing cause once I started to get upset again she just pretended I didnt exist. All I want is my mom to wake up & tell me shes sorry & to hold me because if not its going to bother me all night. I know its insane & dramatic but thats the type of person I am & always will be. Its times like this were my mind wonders to an incredibly depressive state. A place where all I could think about is hurting myself...but i won't, i never do. There was times were I would cut because I couldnt handle all the emotions that I was going through, I didnt know how to make it stop or release them...& cutting was the only way I knew how to. But thankfully i stopped for a year, & things were going great until now. I promise to the few people that read this that i'll stay strong...I always do.

xoxo that girl Dee.

UGH....Venting/Rant #1

Ever have those days where you planned everything out, & you were going to have fun & everything was going to be great but instead everythings going wrong? Well thats what today is like, & it sucks. I'm the type of person that doesn't like to go out or really do anything especially now during the summer. But for weeks now i've had the perfect plans for today I was going to go out & have fun with my friends & my sister. I did my hair, my nails, i was really excited...but of course I have the worst luck & the rain has to ruin everything. I don't if i'm pmsing or i'm just really upset or a little bit of both. Because right now i'm sitting on the floor of my room crying because today was supposed to be my last fun day (more like my only fun day) before i go back to school, & now its impossible. My sister doesn't even want to go out anymore & basically i'm just sad as stupid as it sounds. Just imagine waiting for a day where you could go out & have fun with no worries or problems & when it finally comes it all falls apart. Whats worse is that my sister doesn't even understand why i'm so upset. She doesn't realize how important this day was to me. My summer hasn't been the best & i had high expectations for this day. I've listened to my sister cry & complain so many times about days like this, which is why i'm surprised she's being so mean. The few people that will probably read this might not understand either so let me try to explain why this meant so much to me. A few years ago I moved from one place to another, they arent to far apart but since i've moved i havent been able to visit or see any of my old friends & i was really hoping that today i would be able to do that. We were going to a feast that they have every year where I used to live. I was honestly really looking forward to going & seeing everyone, & i was even going to bring a friend that i've met where i live now. I wanted to show her how fun & cool everything is where i used to live. I anted to introduce her to my friends & i planned this amazing day. The rational non-harmonal part of me is saying that we could always go another day, which isnt really true because its so hard to get there & even harder to get everyone together...

so basically my day sucks, I hope everyones day is going a lot better than mine. 

xoxo that girl dee. 

:(